You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
