i think my tv is drunk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i think i just lost a toe
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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