this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
