tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
