I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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