Sponge bath it is.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
