It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
