I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
