After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
