somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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