Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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