I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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