The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
