apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
