Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
