and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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