i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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