your parents love me but you hate me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
