and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
