Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up under a house in Key West
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