If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
