i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
