he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
