dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
