i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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