I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
