I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
