i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
