sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
