Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
