This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
