I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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