FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
