Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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