awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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