He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My feet surprised me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
