My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
