I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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