She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
