can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
