New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
