this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
