I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
