I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
