My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
