I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
