Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
