He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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