New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
