Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
