I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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